Finding the Balance...

I'm not a writer. I wish I were. I have friends who have a gift of putting their thoughts into written words in such an eloquent way. Sometimes I feel like I can't even communicate my thoughts (just ask Josh), no less in eloquent words. But Josh is at the movies tonight with some guy friends and the little guy is sleeping (for now), so I had a moment to myself to finally blog and I've been wanting to write about this for a while, so here goes.

Do you ever find yourself struggling after getting online? Whether on blogs, facebook, etc. And by struggling, I guess I mean comparing. It's humbling to even admit. I love blogs. I love that I get to keep up with my friends' lives, get inspired, be challenged. But sometimes when I start reading, I start comparing. The internet is just one more place where we can compare our lives to others. Of course, there's the material things - envying all the fancy vacations and gifts and home decor. The list goes on. And now, there's feeling inadequate as a mom. I know it's my own battle. I'm embarrassed by it.

I actually read this post on a blog last year before I even started blogging. It was a great post. And a great challenge. A challenge to be honest when blogging. Here's part of it. (You can read the full article by clicking here.) 


you know i want everyone to be a blogger. it's important to capture your memories and as a mother, this is one of your jobs. it's important.


and you know i want people to be more honest in their blogging. it's not all rainbows and unicorns, but sometimes we pretend like it is. that's not cool. it helps no one, nor is it the correct depiction of your life.


and now. let's talk about our hearts when it comes to reading other people's blogs. aye-yi-yi! many times i have heard, i just don't read blogs because they make me feel like a bad mom/wife/person. or
after i read blogs, i feel pretty discouraged...

what the what is this all about? when we say(think) things like this(let's face it, we all do from time to time), i believe it's slightly a reflection of the not-always-honest-blogging world, but more a reflection of our hearts. why can't we look at blogs as inspiration and encouragement or even a chance to encourage others, instead of turning inward and comparing ourselves to one another? we do this in the real world all the time.
she's prettier than me. 
she's skinnier than me. 
she has it all together.
her husband's better than mine.
her kids behave more than mine.


uggg, that is the worst feeling to carry around all day. and from my observations, a woman's insecurities only get amplified in the blogging world. we have great imaginations...so we fill in the blanks between people's snapshots and stories they choose to put on the "intranet" that day. between the pictures, posts and words, we don't consider that there was probably yelling, screaming, tempers-raging, mess-ups, marriage problems, miscarriages, addictions, depression, heartache...the list goes on. we just say, they have it better than me. they are doing it right...i'm a terrible mom. if only i could do that. and then we carry that burden around all week.


yuck.

I still struggle finding the balance. Not just posting about the "rainbows and unicorns" as she calls it. Being honest, but not airing out all my issues for everyone to read. I want to be real, but not a complainer. Vulnerable, but not discouraging. It's difficult.

So, in trying to be honest, this week has been pretty terrible. That's why there were no posts with pretty pictures or recipes or stories. Just when I thought we were turning a corner with Jake and finally figuring out the sleeping, the naps, the soothing himself, I feel like we've taken three steps back. And if I'm being really honest, it's not the getting up in the middle of the night or not having time to myself that bothers me the most. It's not having an answer. I HATE not being able to figure it out. And on that whole comparison thing, there are moments I feel like the WORST mom. Why can't I figure it out when it seems like all my friends can? What am I doing wrong? I know that's a lie straight from the enemy, but gosh, that's how it feels sometimes. And I know this phase with Jake will go too fast and someday, I will miss it, but there are moments it feels like it will never end.

I also fear in sharing the real stuff that I will discourage moms-to-be or even young women who desire to have kids someday. That's not what I want to do either. I was too often discouraged when I was pregnant with Jake by other young moms who would constantly warn me of the hard things to come or focus on the negatives. I know they were trying to be real, but sometimes I needed to hear the positives too. And oh, there are some. There are lots. Lord, help me find the balance. Help me be encouraging but real at the same time. I pray this prayer a lot. Clearly, I haven't figured out the balance yet. Don't think I ever will. But I sure am thankful that He is sanctifying me through this process. And thankful that He loves me too much to leave me as He found me.