Finding the Balance...

I'm not a writer. I wish I were. I have friends who have a gift of putting their thoughts into written words in such an eloquent way. Sometimes I feel like I can't even communicate my thoughts (just ask Josh), no less in eloquent words. But Josh is at the movies tonight with some guy friends and the little guy is sleeping (for now), so I had a moment to myself to finally blog and I've been wanting to write about this for a while, so here goes.

Do you ever find yourself struggling after getting online? Whether on blogs, facebook, etc. And by struggling, I guess I mean comparing. It's humbling to even admit. I love blogs. I love that I get to keep up with my friends' lives, get inspired, be challenged. But sometimes when I start reading, I start comparing. The internet is just one more place where we can compare our lives to others. Of course, there's the material things - envying all the fancy vacations and gifts and home decor. The list goes on. And now, there's feeling inadequate as a mom. I know it's my own battle. I'm embarrassed by it.

I actually read this post on a blog last year before I even started blogging. It was a great post. And a great challenge. A challenge to be honest when blogging. Here's part of it. (You can read the full article by clicking here.) 


you know i want everyone to be a blogger. it's important to capture your memories and as a mother, this is one of your jobs. it's important.


and you know i want people to be more honest in their blogging. it's not all rainbows and unicorns, but sometimes we pretend like it is. that's not cool. it helps no one, nor is it the correct depiction of your life.


and now. let's talk about our hearts when it comes to reading other people's blogs. aye-yi-yi! many times i have heard, i just don't read blogs because they make me feel like a bad mom/wife/person. or
after i read blogs, i feel pretty discouraged...

what the what is this all about? when we say(think) things like this(let's face it, we all do from time to time), i believe it's slightly a reflection of the not-always-honest-blogging world, but more a reflection of our hearts. why can't we look at blogs as inspiration and encouragement or even a chance to encourage others, instead of turning inward and comparing ourselves to one another? we do this in the real world all the time.
she's prettier than me. 
she's skinnier than me. 
she has it all together.
her husband's better than mine.
her kids behave more than mine.


uggg, that is the worst feeling to carry around all day. and from my observations, a woman's insecurities only get amplified in the blogging world. we have great imaginations...so we fill in the blanks between people's snapshots and stories they choose to put on the "intranet" that day. between the pictures, posts and words, we don't consider that there was probably yelling, screaming, tempers-raging, mess-ups, marriage problems, miscarriages, addictions, depression, heartache...the list goes on. we just say, they have it better than me. they are doing it right...i'm a terrible mom. if only i could do that. and then we carry that burden around all week.


yuck.

I still struggle finding the balance. Not just posting about the "rainbows and unicorns" as she calls it. Being honest, but not airing out all my issues for everyone to read. I want to be real, but not a complainer. Vulnerable, but not discouraging. It's difficult.

So, in trying to be honest, this week has been pretty terrible. That's why there were no posts with pretty pictures or recipes or stories. Just when I thought we were turning a corner with Jake and finally figuring out the sleeping, the naps, the soothing himself, I feel like we've taken three steps back. And if I'm being really honest, it's not the getting up in the middle of the night or not having time to myself that bothers me the most. It's not having an answer. I HATE not being able to figure it out. And on that whole comparison thing, there are moments I feel like the WORST mom. Why can't I figure it out when it seems like all my friends can? What am I doing wrong? I know that's a lie straight from the enemy, but gosh, that's how it feels sometimes. And I know this phase with Jake will go too fast and someday, I will miss it, but there are moments it feels like it will never end.

I also fear in sharing the real stuff that I will discourage moms-to-be or even young women who desire to have kids someday. That's not what I want to do either. I was too often discouraged when I was pregnant with Jake by other young moms who would constantly warn me of the hard things to come or focus on the negatives. I know they were trying to be real, but sometimes I needed to hear the positives too. And oh, there are some. There are lots. Lord, help me find the balance. Help me be encouraging but real at the same time. I pray this prayer a lot. Clearly, I haven't figured out the balance yet. Don't think I ever will. But I sure am thankful that He is sanctifying me through this process. And thankful that He loves me too much to leave me as He found me. 

Strawberry Icebox Cake...

I have discovered another reason I love Pinterest. It's called Strawberry Icebox Cake. I'm sure many of you have Pinterest accounts and find fun recipes to try on there. I've tried several. Most of them have been pretty good, but this one was SO good, I had to share. So if you haven't pinned it yet and want to try it, go to my "Craving Something Sweet" board and repin it. It will link you to the recipe. Then find a great excuse to make it. (Our good friends, the Kolter's, were in town this past weekend and seeing as Lauren's birthday fell just a couple days before their visit, I used that as a good excuse to make it.)

It tastes even better than it looks! (The picture on Pinterest is much prettier.)


Lauren with her birthday cake. Come visit anytime. I'll make you another cake. Josh would appreciate it. :) Plus we miss you both a lot.

Happy Birthday Paige...

Time for another family birthday shout-out. Today is my older sister's birthday. Let me start out by saying I was always extremely jealous of Paige's birth date growing up. She shares it with Michael Jordan. And if you know anything about my childhood, you know that I was slightly obsessed with Michael. Oh, the pictures I could share. I'll spare myself the humiliation. Anyways...

Paige and I, in a lot of ways, may seem totally different. She's a blonde; I'm a brunette. She was a dancer and is extremely musical; I was the epitome of a tomboy. She used to hang posters of cute movie stars (from Big Bopper magazine...sample pic below, you're welcome Paige) on her side of the room; I had Chicago Bulls posters and Dream Team wall stickers on my side.

Can I just say that I remember at least 3 of these guys were on our wall? Hopefully Paige got this edition because it had 2 posters of Jonathan Brandis (her favorite) - whoa!

She is gentle and super sweet. Well, let's just say most people wouldn't use those words when describing me. :) She is a people pleaser; oh wait, so am I. We'll just say she's more the "harmonizer"; I like to please more by my performance. Anyways, you get the idea.

But when it really comes down to it, we are alike in a lot of the ways that matter. I love that so many of our values and standards and priorities are the same. It allows us to be really close. And I love that. I feel especially blessed that she had a child almost exactly one year before I did. It's been really comforting to know I can call her with questions or when I need some encouragement. We've been able to relate in a lot of ways since neither of our boys would qualify in the "easy baby" category. But they sure are cute! She's an incredible mom.

So, as grateful as I am for Michael Jordan today, I'm even more grateful for my sister. :) My parents and Ryan and Libby are making the trek down to Texas this weekend to see Paige and her family. You can bet if my child didn't hate his carseat, that we'd be joining them. Happy Birthday Paige! We miss you.

Oh, and of course, I had to throw in a couple oldie pics. What would a birthday post be without it? :)

The House...

Well, here it is. House #3 (and hopefully the last one for a while.) I actually have good reasons for waiting 2 weeks to post a picture of the house (explained in the pics below), but nonetheless, here it is.

We closed on the 1st, had everything in here by the 2nd. It looked like a tornado had come through the house at the time, but regardless, we are so thankful for the amazing friends we had to help us get moved in. It went so fast. As Josh has said a few times to people in the past couple weeks, we took off in a sprint with the unpacking - probably 75% of it was done by day 2 - and then we hit a wall. We have slowly continued the process, and it's definitely feeling more and more like home. I know I have plenty of time to make it what I want, but it's so hard not to want to do everything right away. I'm having to pull back the reigns a little on that desire to have it perfect immediately.

We feel beyond blessed to own another home and continue to be blown away by the Lord's provision. Now that we finally have our own place here in NWA, we can't wait to host everyone and have everyone over for dinner. We love opening up our home to others. I also have to remember it's not possible to have them all over in one week. :)

Anyways, here's a pic of the outside. I'll post some pics of the inside as we slowly work on each room.

Here's what the house looks like now. Below is what it looked like when we went under contract. Not much difference, but we asked them to paint the white part to match the color of the siding on the back of the house. The white, in our opinion, didn't really fit. So the reason for the delay-I was waiting for them to finish painting. Legit excuse, right?

Video Debut...

I finally caught Jake's laugh on video. He giggles and laughs all the time, but whenever I try to film it, he is mesmerized by the camera instead. I know every baby laughs so this isn't anything unique, but I thought family and friends might get a kick out of hearing his sweet giggle. I sure can't get enough of it. As you can tell, he thinks his daddy is pretty funny. ;) Enjoy!

"Don't Carpe Diem..."

Ever since Jake was born, I feel like I have been on the craziest roller coaster with my emotions. One moment I feel more joy than I knew possible, the next I am feeling lonely. Then, if I'm being really vulnerable and honest, I have to deal with my anger (so not proud of this one.) Then, I'm just so in love and back on cloud 9 again. Chalk it up to the hormones, maybe. But I also know it's just a lot of change.

One of the emotions I didn't anticipate battling so much was guilt. I know I'm a perfectionist and that I have a serious fear of failure (maybe I should have seen it coming), but I still didn't realize guilt would rear its ugly head so often. I have found myself feeling guilty if I don't soak up and love every moment with Jake - I know there are so many women out there who would give anything to be in my shoes and have a child of their own. I feel guilty if I don't appreciate enough that I get to stay home with him. I felt so guilty in the first two months because I wished a lot of those colicky moments away. I wanted him to get bigger...and soon. I'm pretty sure, after talking to lots of other moms, I'm not as crazy as I thought I was. This is normal.

Anyways, all that to say - I came across this article on another blog, and it is definitely worth sharing. This mom eloquently put into words what I feel so often. Yes, it specifically addresses moms, but I think the heart of the message is applicable for anyone. Truly, everyone should read this. It is a little lengthy, but I promise if you'll make it to the end, it will bless you. Here's how it starts...

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

So here's to those precious Kairos moments. Hope you have had a couple today.